Hey guys! – I love movies, and in a combo of whilst-I’m-working and recreational time, I watched some great movies today! – Time to review them for no reason (though I warn you: I already said these movies were great, so it’s a totally bias review – plus what’s the point in reviewing movies I hate?
Never pay attention to bad reviews – they’re only written by goo gobblers.
1. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
I found this one in the public domains, so I thought I’d check it out - Aw man, WHAT a movie this was! – Basically, it’s about Martians who are cunts to their kids (beat them with the art of being boring) so when their kids are miserable, the Martians decide to kidnap Santa Claus from earth to spread his special brand of happiness!
Lord knows, I love it! – It’s fun, it’s stupid, it’s fun and it’s fun – plus there’s a fake polar bear that is SO awful it’s awesomeful! – And who DOESN’T want a box-robot in a B-Movie? – This is “B-Movie” before B-Movie became how we know it now I guess. – It’s a great film if you’re in a stupid mood, and again, it’s public domain, so slap it on youtube and enjoy Saint Nick being a doddering laughaholic for a day – personally if I knew that Noel in life I’d suspect there was something seriously wrong with him, but in this movie I love him and want to go on a fun run with him. Truth.
2.Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
Oh man. This film scared the living shit out of me. – Y’know, it’s a sort of unknown fact that I am pretty scared of corsets (err – that’s TIGHT corsets, I don’t me flop one nearby me and I’ll shit myself!) and Vampira’s corset in this made me want to punch her in the face. – But you can’t have everything.
So aside from Vampira’s corset… it’s still pretty crap. It’s an Ed Wood film, but it’s pretty damn fun. – Basically aliens are seeking to be dicks by raising the dead! – Awesome! – There’s a fat vampire, an old vampire, and a woman vampire – y’know what, you have to watch this one yourself, I mean the fat vampire is DA BOMB as you folks in the US say – I want him to have his own gameshow.
A little bit too much of that “you stupid mankind” bullshit for my liking, but meh, the film seemed fun, Ed Wood seems like he’s probably a cockhead, so c’est la vie! Unless of course this film was a one-off attitude from him or if I mistook the plot – if not though – HA HA you fucker, you’re dead and I’m not. *dances on your grave*
3. The Last Man on Earth (1964)
Before I begin. – I must alert you that although Deep Purple’s greatest hits bore the arse off of me (sorry if there’s any fans of that song that goes *doo doo doooo doo doo doo doo – doo doo doooo doo doodooo*) but they’re got a single out called “Vincent Price” and it is AWESOME. – Buy it, steal it, raise it from the dead, just GET IT. *vengeful bad guy eyes*
Mother of FUCK ME this film was incredible. – Many of you’ve probably seen it before but I haven’t – basically, it’s about Vincent Price (Yes, I’m referring to him by name, not by character – this is the adventures of Vincent Price apparently) who is the last man on earth. His wife and daughter have passed on prior to contraction a terminal case of ‘secondary actor in an apocalypse movie’ syndrome. Oo, that’s a nasty one.
And Pricey baby is going all drunken badass blockading his home, drinking liquor, smoking, and occasionally replacing the mirrors and garlic around his home – all of which have the ancient powers to make zombies back the fuck off! – Aaanything else would be a spoiler to say, and if you haven’t seen it – do so. And don’t let anything stand in your way. – If you wake up tomorrow and everyone’s contracted a zombifying virus and you’re the last man on earth: you’ll consider this a sacred and important survival document to have seen!
There were other makes of the novel version (I Am Legend) but we don’t talk about those because awful fuck you whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and so on.
4. The Blue Lagoon (1980)
Hoo boy. If you know someone you REALLY hate who works for the PTA – get them to watch this, then sip a cocktail cockily as their head explodes. This is a real tough film for a lot of society given ages and themes, but if you can forget the crap we get fed in what to expect in life, you could enjoy it thoroughly.
In a nutshell, two kids crash on a desert island, survive and fall in love. – Hey, I’m not the Dr-brutal all day every day, we can get a bit of tenderness up in this biscuit tin! – Blue Lagoon takes a step towards where all films have dared to have trodden – all the time you see these “coming of age”-like tales and bad parents (they’re the ones who think they’re the bed parents ever) think all coming of age stories are excellent… UNLESS… like Blue Lagoon, the tale includes actual stuff that may occur when one comes of age – puberty, sexuality, y’know, life as life without these kids being taught beforehand.
This film got a terrible rap back in the day, but thankfully, if you ever meet any of its detractors never fear: because I heard all you have to do is utter the word “biology” at them and they’ll explode into a million shards of “listen to me!” before dying forever. Thank you Santa.
5. Last Action Hero (1993)
Son. Take unto your breast this magic ticket – that’ll make a bomb fly right at you as you’re minding your own damn business trying to watch an Arnie film.
I LOVE this film! – Okay, so there’s this little kid called Danny, and heeee loves Jack Slater – an action hero from these movies he watches at his local cinema. The old boy who runs the projector gives him a goooolden tiiiicket that gives him the AWESOME POWER TO MOSEY WITH ARNIE. – Meaning he’ll step into the screen and hang out (or get scared shitless) with Jack doing all of his Shwartz-nooks.
I won’t lie – sometimes you want to kill Danny and Arnie’s daughter in the movie, but you can’t have everything. – Oh, and the boss of the movie is utterly, utterly phenomenal.
Another good reason to watch this movie is that the kid comes back out of the movie WITH Jack at some point, and Jack MEETS the real Arnie – Conan the CONFUSEBIAN? – MindBLOWNjob.
Anyway, fuck it – what’ve YOU been watching?